Lately, I think maybe my owners are trying to kill me. This may sound rather paranoid, but if you knew what they have been doing to me you would see what I mean.
Not so long ago my life consisted of a morning walk, eating, sleeping in the bathroom most of the day, and maybe a quick run when the blonde girl and bearded guy got home from wherever they went all day. It wasn't a bad life at all. Every now and then they would take me for a car ride, a long hike, or force me to accompany them into a place with lots of people who tried to touch me while they played cards, but blondie and beardie usually let me sit on their laps if people got too close. A simple and quiet life. But then, things started changing. They started packing up all the stuff in the house, and for a few days they were at home all day, which was great, but sort of scary too. Things were changing. Not long after they packed up all of the stuff into the car and we began a five day road trip. I ate in the car and slept in the car, and every time I got out of the car it was some creepy place I had never been to before. I thought I would go mad.
It was a pretty good day when we finally unpacked all the stuff and I could roll around in the big pile of blankets that smelled like the old house. Also they leave the windows and doors open all the time at this place so that I can always bark at some mystery noise and run straight into the screen door chasing those strange dogs* outside. Things were looking up. This is where I really think they started with their dastardly plans in earnest. They took me first to this place that had more water than I had ever seen, grainy stuff that was hard to walk in, and so much wind. At first it was kind of fun, there were all these fun rocks and plants in the water. But then the bearded one started running along and the blonde one told me to chase him and somewhere in the middle the sand dropped out from under me and I flipped over and over. I got that grainy stuff in my eyes and no matter how much I rolled around on the ground, I couldn't get it out. In fact, it seemed to get worse. Even after my terrible fall they ran around and had me chase them. Between the wind and the grainy dirt, I couldn't see a thing. I was beginning to get suspicious of their motives. Later that week they took me on a hike with more strangers and we walked straight up a hill for miles. Is this their idea of fun? Of course after all that walking I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so I began wandering over the rocks when I heard my names spoken in that urgent way. I stopped short and looked down. Way down. They took me to the top of a cliff and I nearly walked right off. Their evil plot was becoming clearer to me.
But the last straw came when they took me on another hike a couple of days later (what is it with these people?) and we walked up some more. Except when we got to the top of this trail the bearded guy walked out into the middle of rushing water on rocks. Smart. I followed as if compelled by some uncontrollable instinct. I jumped up and down slippery wet rocks for over half an hour following these idiots. Finally we went back down the hill and I thought the nightmare was over. Nope. They took me to a this little canyon that was accessed only by climbing over huge logs and then wading through water and sharp rocks. And swimming through freezing water. I kept pulling back on the leash, but they didn't listen and kept pulling me through that water. Before it was over they had to carry me because I couldn't walk for shivering. This was by far their cruelest attempt yet at taking my life.
Today they did redeem themselves a bit. They took me for a run at a nearby park and at the end they took me to the most wonderful place on Earth. There were all these dogs all over the place and they were all free! I was so shocked that I didn't even realize that I too had been set free, but when I did, I dove right in. Oh, the smells. So many smells and places to mark. And everyone seemed just as interested as me in greeting each other, except maybe that big boxer that growled at me (could my owners have planned that?). It was heaven. And I think I heard them say they would take me back all the time, so maybe they aren't trying to kill me after all. Maybe they are just inept pet owners. What a comforting thought.
Good day to you all, I am off to nap and bark at those funny dogs* outside the door.
*The funny dogs are cats.
And these are some pictures I've managed to get my paws on that show you the sort of place I now live.